a sort of shitty book

i just read a sort of shitty book. it was called the velveteen principles: a guide to becoming real. it's a book about how to become "real." there were some interesting points and all, but it just felt so empty. the category on the jacket was "self help / gift." how can "gift" be a genre?

anyway, the real problem with the book was not the subject matter. the problem was that she presented these very simple and clean examples of problems and solutions. a person is superficial and then sees the truth and everything gets better. this is what used to piss me off about people when they talked about how anti-depressants helped them. everything sucked, then i took zoloft and my eyes opened up. things just don't work that way.

i believe that change is a zig-zag rather than straight line. things get better and then they get really fucked up again. then they get a little better and then a lot better and then a lot worse. you make mistakes and sometimes repeat them like 25 times before learning the lesson. this is my experience at least. hopefully the net progress is forward over time. maybe i am just the exception to the rule but i really don't think so.

new year's eve is on sunday and i really don't have any plans. i don't really like new year's eve. i guess i get all worked up about it since i feel like i have to. it's just another night. i am worried that i will get depressed if i don't do SOMETHING. we'll see what happens.

i feel a little low today in general, but i am trying to keep my head up.

home for the holidaze

greetings. welcome to post number two. in a manic eight hour session yesterday, i recorded a ten song christmas album for my family. i don't have any of my own money so i don't see buying for my parents (who give me money) very useful to them. hence the thoughtful gift approach.

regardless, now i am listening to this cd and tearing my vocals apart. i am so critical of myself. there are some great moments on this cd but there are some real nightmare vocal tracks. i think i was getting worn out by the end and i didn't choose the right key for a few of the songs. whatever.

so as soon as my exams were over, i became completely confused about what to do with my time. i read about ten pages of a book. i went for a couple of runs and lifted some weights. now i am going to visit my family. after that, i have no clue what i am going to do. i have never been one to use my idle time well.

and new year's eve?!? good lord. what should i do with my least favorite night of the year? as an ex-drinker i feel a bit lost usually and can't find anything fun to do. last year was great though. i went and saw martin sexton play in northampton. it was probably the best new years ever. this year maybe i'll sit home with kitty bopper.

i guess i should shower so i can leave. nothing funny this time. maybe next time i can address some of my topics. i can add to my list a discussion of the retards who were clogging up the exit to the greendale mall a few days ago. goodness me! merry christmas(ukkah).

a lovely new day

well. today, as usual, is the first day of the rest of my life. despite the cold, it is sunny and winter-like outside and it makes me feel ok.

i have a tendency to bypass my internal censor at times and just say whatever the hell pops into my head. today as i sat spewing out my verbal diarrhea to a bunch of most-likely disinterested listeners, someone mentioned that i should start a blog. i am several years behind everyone else by starting one, but it's not the first time i have been behind the times. i joined myspace about a year too late. i used to routinely make fun of people with nalgene water bottles and ipods and now, of course, i own both. (side note on nalgenes: i just have to put it down officially in my blog that i hate myself for having one of these things. it is such a social class status symbol. when was the last time you saw a construction worker with a nalgene? i should burn or melt mine or something.) so, alas, now i have a blog.

how long will this blogging phase last you ask? good question. most likely you will be reading this post several months past the current date and there will probably be no further posting. maybe there will be one or two more but that would be a real shocker. if i keep it up, then that's great. i wonder if i really want to share personal details of my life in a googleable medium. i doubt anyone will know who i am or really care so whatever.

so today i finished my last exam for the first semester of my second year of medical school. it was a shit show. my apartment is a wreck. i have no groceries. i haven't exercised in almost two weeks. i slept for two hours last night. i have to go to the frigging dentist tomorrow.

speaking of the dentist. this means that i have to brush my teeth really well tonight and tomorrow morning. i will most likely floss both times and my gums will bleed. i will then rinse with the green flavored target brand listerine shit and nearly puke into the sink. when i get to the dentist, they will most likely yell at me for not having taken care of my teeth. i will, once again, promise that i will change my ways. they will, once again, advise me to have my wisdom teeth removed. i will receive a referral card for two oral surgeons in the area that i will put somewhere in my apartment and forget about. my wisdom teeth really need to come out but i am so afraid. they have been telling me to get them out for like ten years. bah.

now i have to think about what to do for christmas gifts. my mom always tries to make it a "no gifts" year but still manages to pile inordinate amounts of crap under the tree. i am planning to rerecord a bunch of the songs i have written over the last five years and put them on a new cd. i wonder if i will have time time or energy to do this. it would be really fun.

i don't think i have anything else to say. i plan to use this blog (if i use it at all) as a container for my varied stupid ideas and comedic bits that only i find funny. things to come back to at a later date:

1. the friendly's happy ending sundae (with meal)
2. feliz navidad
3. student ids at medical school

that's all i can think of for now.