a sort of shitty book

i just read a sort of shitty book. it was called the velveteen principles: a guide to becoming real. it's a book about how to become "real." there were some interesting points and all, but it just felt so empty. the category on the jacket was "self help / gift." how can "gift" be a genre?

anyway, the real problem with the book was not the subject matter. the problem was that she presented these very simple and clean examples of problems and solutions. a person is superficial and then sees the truth and everything gets better. this is what used to piss me off about people when they talked about how anti-depressants helped them. everything sucked, then i took zoloft and my eyes opened up. things just don't work that way.

i believe that change is a zig-zag rather than straight line. things get better and then they get really fucked up again. then they get a little better and then a lot better and then a lot worse. you make mistakes and sometimes repeat them like 25 times before learning the lesson. this is my experience at least. hopefully the net progress is forward over time. maybe i am just the exception to the rule but i really don't think so.

new year's eve is on sunday and i really don't have any plans. i don't really like new year's eve. i guess i get all worked up about it since i feel like i have to. it's just another night. i am worried that i will get depressed if i don't do SOMETHING. we'll see what happens.

i feel a little low today in general, but i am trying to keep my head up.